Don't take Tea from Strangers
by evilsockofghana
Summary: Working for Cain is not always fun.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Yes, this does involve Cain trying to get gay with Riff. However, this is NOT, repeat NOT, any kind of shonen-ai, yaoi, slash, or anything else. Just stupidity.

Riff sat calmly in his chair in the study, reading the paper and sipping his tea. Another fifteen murders had been committed among the upper class of the town. Rich people did like to kill each other, it seemed.

Cain walked in. He looked flushed. Riff stood.

"Good evening, Lord Cain. Though I suppose the evening has been past for many hours now, it's almost morning—"

Cain cut him off. "Must you always be so formal, Riff?" he sighed.

Riff blinked. "Well, I could call you just Cain, then, if you like. Did you need something?"

Cain stepped closer. His chest was almost touching Riff's. "Yes." He breathed. "I do need something."

"Er…" Riff could feel Cain's breath on his face. It smelled like tulips. _Has he been eating flowers again?_

"I've tried for so long to deny how I felt about you, how I've always felt about you." Cain whispered. He leaned even closer. "My father knew. He knew I loved you, that I was in love with you—"

"You look a little pale. Has someone been poisoning you with arsenic again?" He hastily took a step back as Cain blinked.

"Well, yes, but that's not the point—"

"What did I tell you about taking tea from strangers?"

"Riff—"

"What did I tell you?"

"Come on, Riff! I'm trying to tell you—"

"The same thing always happens! This is exactly why I tell you—"

Cain leaned forward and smothered Riff's words in a kiss. Riff quickly stumbled back.

"Okay, I don't know what the hell just happened, but I'm pretty sure it just went _way_ beyond the usual master-servant relationship."

Cain teared up.

"Is that how you look at me? Is that all you think of me?" he burst into noisy tears as Riff stammered.

The door slammed as someone pranced in.

"Mary Weather." Exclaimed Riff, his head turning with a jerk. "I—"

She put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Is my brother trying to get gay with you again?"

"Er…yes…wait, what do you mean, again?" She shrugged.

"Well, I guess you wouldn't remember the other times…"

"How could not remember that?"

Cain threw himself on the study's couch, sobbing loudly. Mary ignored him.

"Well, you were asleep…"

"WHAT?"

-…-

The howling wind blew Cain's cape around his shoulders as he gazed down at the body.

The woman's throat had been slit in a horribly savage manner. Her head was attached to her neck on only a thread of neck. Blood was spread around her in a gruesome crimson puddle. Her features were beautiful even in death.

Cain swept his hair away from his face, the moonlight shining on his golden eyes. The gathered nobles waited expectantly as Cain's perfectly formed lips parted.

"She's dead." He announced.

"Thank you, Cain!" Exploded Riff. Cain spun around.

"Why do you have to undermine me in front of other people? Why do you have to do that?"

Riff help up placating hands. "Look, I'll stop, it's okay—"

"You always do that—"

"I'll stop, okay?"

"Are you done?"

"Yeah."

Cain eyed him for a long moment.

"I'm done, okay? I'm really done. Go on." Cain continued to stare. Riff flapped his hands at him. "Go on."

Cain turned back around. He paused for a long moment to get back in the mood. The he spoke again in a low voice.

"She's been murdered."

Riff threw his hands up in the air. Cain spun around. "You're doing it again!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"You're still doing it!"

"I didn't say anything!"

"Look, just stop, okay?"

"Fine. Whatever. I'm leaving."

Riff walked away. Cain called after him.

"Please, Riff, come back, I didn't mean it!"

He ponced after Riff.

-…-

Riff opened the door to his room. Cain sat on the bed, completely naked. He stretched out his arms.

"Riff!"

Riff shut the door.

-…-

AN: I think that's enough for the first chapter. Expect more soon!


	2. Chapter 2

A new spate of murders had been going around the upper class, more brutal than the usual ones. Cain suspected that a grand villain was behind it. He told this to Riff, who told him to drink his tea and stay out of the flowerbed. Cain ponced off and was now moping in a secluded section of the sumptuous gardens, nibbling on a tulip just to spite Riff.

He looked up when a beautiful woman went drifting past, moaning. He blinked when a half-dressed man came running after her. The man was panting. The woman was actually drifting quite fast. The man ran out of sight. Cain bit the head off of the tulip and gulped it down while leaping to his feet. He paused for a moment to brush the dirt off of his pants, and then set off in hot pursuit.

He slowed when a reached an enormous mausoleum at the edge of the garden. _That's funny_. He thought. _I didn't know there were people buried here._ He heard voices on the inside. He started to venture inside, when a heavy hand clapped down onto his shoulder. He looked up to see Riff. He looked pissed.

"I'm pissed." Said Riff. "You were eating the tulips again, weren't you?"

"No." lied Cain. He wound his arms around Riff. "But don't you think eating flowers is romantic?"

Riff firmly pushed him away. "No, I think it's stupid and dangerous. And I put fast-acting sleeping powder on those tulips."

Cain dropped like a stone.

-…-

When he awoke, he was still laying outside the mausoleum. Riff must have left him there as punishment. Next time, Cain would go after the carnations. Or the roses. Eating roses was sexy. Though…Riff would probably have realized that Cain would go for the roses. They were probably sprinkled, too.

Cain sat up and looked around. To his surprise, he still heard voices from inside the tomb. He remembered, then—he'd only eaten one of the poisoned tulips. The sleeping powder might be fast acting, but it wasn't long lasting.

"I'm long-lasting." Muttered Cain. He considered going into a sulk about how Riff always refused his advances, but decided he didn't have time. He peeked into the mausoleum, and, to his surprise, saw Riff standing inside, talking to the half-dressed man. The woman was on the floor between them, shuddering. Cain let the man go on for a minute about what a nuisance the woman was and how she needed to die, then he smoothed his clothes and hair and stepped out in front of Riff.

"And so you decided to bring this trouble to my home." He said, smoothly and dramatically. The man flinched back.

"Count Cain!" he gasped. "I never thought that you—" his words were cut off in a shriek of terror as the sound of a gun being cocked echoed through the room. Cain spun around.

"Riff! Don't do that!" he admonished. The man nodded in frantic agreement. "Look, just let me do this my way."

Riff considered for a moment. Then he rolled his eyes and put the gun away again.

Cain turned back to the man, who pulled out a gun of his own and shot the woman. She jerked once and then was still. Cain blinked.

A second shot rang through the chamber. The man fell to the floor. Cain turned to see Riff with his gun leveled. Cain blinked helplessly at a situation out of control, then decided to make the best of it.

He leapt on Riff. "You saved me!" he squealed.

"Watch it, Cain, the gun—" he was cut off by a shot. Cain slumped to the floor with a puzzled look in his eyes.

"…is still loaded." Finished Riff belatedly. "Dammit. Now I have to fill out my resume."


	3. Chapter 3

"This thong is from a certain Lady Angelique. Note the lace. These frilly knickers are from a duchess's daughter. These…well, I'm not sure where these came from; I was drunk at the time. But they're very nice. And this sequined pair, the one I keep wrapped up; those came from a prostitute who visited the house to talk to me. Beebe. I take good care of those. I felt bad about how that one turned out."

"What, with no nooky?"

"Well, I felt a guilty about it, you know, what with the whole 'my mother's forced me into prostitution' thing. And just when I was getting over that, she dies. So no, no nooky."

"Oh, stop complaining, Cain. You've had plenty of other girls."

"Watch your mouth, Oscar, or I won't let you see the rest of my collection."

Riff twitched. Cain smirked at him.

"Well, you didn't think that poisons were the only thing I collected, did you?"

Oscar laughed while Riff frowned.

"I certainly didn't think you collected women's panties…hey, didn't I shoot and kill you yesterday?"

Cain shrugged carelessly. "I don't know. Maybe." He made sparkly eyes at Riff. "Why, were you upset?"

Riff pushed him away gently. "Distraught."

Pleased, Cain went back to his underwear collection.

Then Mary Weather burst into the room.

"Cain!" she shrieked. "Did you get yourself killed yesterday?"

Cain slipped the pair of panties he was holding behind his back. Oscar quickly grabbed them and shoved them out of sight.

"No, Mary Weather, it was just one of those clockwork dummies…"

"Well, I'm still angry at you, _dear brother_!"

"Well, I got you a present, Mary Weather!"

Mary humphed. "It better not be another teddy bear!"

Cain waved his arms in reassurance. "No, no, you said you were tired of those…so I got you something better!"

A loud growl, followed by screams, echoed down the hall. Riff turned to stare at Cain in horror.

"Cain, you didn't buy her a _real_ bear, did you?"

"She didn't want a stuffed one!"

A long shriek was cut abruptly short. "There goes one of the maids." Said Riff, exasperated. "It's hard hiring more to replace the ones you lose."

Cain shrugged. "I like new faces. Get some prettier ones this time."

A loud galumphing was coming toward them from the hallway.

"Well, here comes the bear." Said Oscar. Don't you suppose we ought to run?

"No." said Cain. "It's not dramatic enough yet. We have to wait for it to be standing in the doorway before we run. And there has to be a close-up of Mary screaming, for full effect."

Mary Weather huffed indignantly. "I'm not screaming just for your drama, big brother—"

The bear appeared in the doorway. It was enormous, and its roar was loud. Mary screamed.

"Perfect!" said Cain, delightedly. "Okay, now we can run."

"Only one problem." Said Riff. "If the bear's in the doorway, how do we get out?"

"Ooh." Said Oscar. "I think you just got burned, Cain."

"Shut up or I'll kick you out of my house."

"Mary, Cain's being mean to me!"

"Serves you right!"

The bear roared again and they all jumped. It stared at them beadily with its tiny eyes. Then it charged.

They all scattered to the far corners of room. (Except for Cain, who only ran in suitably dramatic circumstances and refused to be chased around by an angry bear.) Oscar grabbed Mary and ran for the door. Cain followed at a leisurely pace. Riff started to trail Cain, but the bear made a dash at him and he started running, dragging a protesting Cain after him.

By the time Cain had decided that while it might be considered romantic to be hauled out of danger, it was also very uncool, Riff had already got him halfway down the hallway. He shoved Riff away and stood up. Oscar and Mary peeked around the corner. Mary's eyes got wide, and Cain turned around.

They froze. The bear was standing right in front of them. It had a tiny pair of panties dangling from its mouth. Cain was already frozen, but he got freezier.

"No." he breathed. Riff sensed what he was going to do.

"Cain, don't." he hissed. Too late. Cain had already darted past the bear, which lurched around and galumphed after him at full bear speed, which, fortunate for Cain, was slower than full Earl speed.

The bear stopped at hearing Cain's shriek of anguish. It decided to bypass the room Cain was in and ambled along, where it was shot with a tranquilizer dart eight and a half minutes later and dumped in some Romanian woods just off the coast.

Riff, Oscar, and Mary looked cautiously around the doorframe. Cain was standing in the middle of a panty explosion. Ragged bits of silk and lace were everywhere.

Cain hung his head in despair.

"My collection…"

-…-

"Ooh, Cain, you're so…_bold_." Elizabeth cooed. Cain waggled in his eyebrows in what he thought was a rakish fashion and slipped a hand up her skirt.

His eyes went wide. "Ooh, Cain." She gasped.

"You—you harlot!" he sputtered. "You aren't wearing any underwear!"

She giggled. He shoved her away in disgust and ponced back off to the main part of the party.


End file.
